I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
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