Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
