remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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