Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
