my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Hippo gnu deer
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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