While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
