I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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