I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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