FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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