She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
