she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
