why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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