fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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