I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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