ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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