There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
