Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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