I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
