You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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