I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
The cops high fived after they tackled you
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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