Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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