So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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