Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
