woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
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