He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
