I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
