He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
