I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
