based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize
