I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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