I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
