I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
