You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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