How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
i think i just lost a toe
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
