Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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