3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
