Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
