DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
