i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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