I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
