I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
my liver is dry heaving
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
