You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
