I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
