I accidentally had phone sex last night
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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