either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
