Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
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what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
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The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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