Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
