i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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