I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
