I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
did i just pee glitter
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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