Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
