Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
