Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
