walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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