I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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