I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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