I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
