Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
