Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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