mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
