oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
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Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
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I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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